The Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer Triangle Transformation
The Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer Triangle Transformation
- Are there people in your life you just can’t seem to say No to, or struggle to find your own personal power with?
- Do you experience feeling guilty, alone or trapped with certain people and you can’t seem to get out of the pattern or find freedom from it?
- Are there some people you just can’t bring yourself to declare your limits with or feel that they behave as if your own personal needs don’t count or are not considered between you?
- Are you being bullied in personal or work relationships? Does it keep happening in many different relationships, even though you swore you wouldn’t let it happen again?
You may be aware of the pattern and feel you have had enough of it now but don’t know what to do to stop it.
Sometimes, just as you recover from one bullying situation, now another comes along, in what can add up to a crescendo of stress all on the same theme. You might tell yourself that the whole thing feels ridiculous but you don’t know what to do about it.
You are not alone!
This ‘triangle’ of Victim/Persecutor/ Rescuer ( or VPR for short), pattern of relating is incredibly common. It can be very hard to not bring habitual responses to relationships, especially when people want to manipulate or control our behaviour to suit them, or do something they want. We feel bad when we consider ourselves in the equation, stick up for ourselves, or want to meet our needs rather than theirs.
We may well have been told that we are selfish if we want to uphold our own position rather than giving in to someone else. This can add up to us feeling fear, shame or guilt when we don’t acquiesce ‘now’ to someone else’s demands.
We usually learn these patterns from a very young age, and changing them can be tough work. If our self worth or approval has been solely dependent on what we do for others, or if we have been terrorised into having to accept another’s dominion over us, we very easily fall into the patterns of Victim or Rescuer. If someone tries to help us, we may feel spiky and then want to persecute them, unable to be present with our vulnerability.
What is the Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer (VPR) Triangle?
The Victim, Persecutor, Rescuer (VPR) triangle is a way of relating. We can all move about in the triangle together, and between us; we can each be and play all of the roles, shifting from one to another, often in the same conversation! Some people we have long ingrained patterns of it with, like partners or parents, and we just don’t know how to bring change or cancel out our part.
Sometimes, being a Rescuer has been the only way that we can have got Love or approval, so we are reluctant to give up that role, thinking we won’t be loved or aren’t good people if we stop. If you have been bullied or victimised you can automatically fall into repeat patterns of being victimised in a variety of ways, afraid to stand up for yourself for fear of annihilation. These patterns can run very deep in us. Or, You may find that in order to cope with having been bullied, you become more of a persecutor to protect yourself. All of the roles have a subtle payoff, but after a while they stop working or we find that we have had enough of them, and now want relationships that offer us more freedom.
Bringing in change ourselves is not easy, We might not think we have the right to say what we want in the areas that count to us. We can fear we will end up alone if we declare our true selves and desires or intentions in relationships.
Sometimes we find we do set a boundary, when temporarily some divine sense of self worth trickles down into us, but due to the anxiety of upsetting someone, or feeling afraid of them and their reaction, we retract up the boundary again.
Often, the people that kick off when we set a limit or add a boundary to the situation are the ones that benefit most from us not having them! We can then feel stuck, wondering how we might ever recover our Freedom or sovereignty, believing that it’d have to be a miracle to reach any kind of shift or equilibrium in this situation.
We desperately want to stick up for ourselves, but we don’t always know how. It may be that we can do it once, but not consistently. We can find then that we end up giving in, or that we feel so guilty or disapproved of when we say what we want that it feels too hard to continue with our stance.
This is particularly the case when there is opposition raised to what we ourselves want to have happen. Opposition doesn’t have to necessarily be stated for us to know it’s there. We have all experienced the sudden ‘cold silence’ or pursed lips. The slightest facial gestures or sounds which we have learned to read can manipulate our behaviour, and lives, as we are incredibly sensitive to the threat of disapproval or abandonment.
These Codependent relationship patterns are really hard to break up out of, especially if we have been in situations where we have been Victimised in our early lives, and most especially if we have experienced trauma, as there can be a plethora of issues underneath those dynamics. Many issues in relationship communication are not always crisp and crystal clear, explicitly declared between us, often, they are woolly and unsaid but implied; this is what can control our behaviour.
We may start a new relationship, thinking that ‘it’ll be different this time’, Then, we find that between us we have messed it up, and now feel as if we’re stuck in a perfect hole together we can’t get out from, again! How did we get there again?
This time, we thought we’d hit the Jackpot, but to our despair, a swarm of feelings have now come up and we urgently feel we need a shift in how we operate in the future.
How do we then find our freedom to be ourselves, and maintain our sovereignty over our future and feel ok about doing it? Looking at common patterns in our relationships gives us a clue as to what is going on in our lives.
How do we know if this dynamic affects us? (Click to find out more)
This VPR dynamic can crop up in many different guises, I’ve outlined a couple of typical examples of how this pattern of relating might present in relationships, you may be able to identify with it.
Example 1. An experience in romantic relationship triangles is with Joe and Jade. Jade has a history of sexual abuse and finds it really hard to reach up the courage to set boundaries generally. Her love relationships are often with controlling men. Joe has been bullied by his Dad and feels he has to have power over people in order to not feel a victim himself. They have recently met and are discussing past relationships.
JOE: “ Yeah, My last girlfriend Julie just upped and left me, no idea why, just gone. She never even thought about me, it was all about her. I literally gave her everything. Totally did me in, and suddenly , there was me, got left with nothing, no money, no girlfriend, no social life at all, ‘cos she got custody of all the friends, so here I am on my Jack Jones every night ….” (Victim)
JADE: “ Oh, God, that’s terrible, fancy doing that to you, you must have been gutted. How are you even coping? Well, I’m not like that selfish woman, I tell you what, Why don’t you come around to mine for dinner for a bit?” (Rescuer)….Hasn’t stated a time period for as doesn’t want Joe to think she’s not helping him enough ….
JOE: “Yeah, it was really bad. Oh, all right then, cheers, I’ll come over this Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights then ” ( over asserts himself to not feel small/ taken advantage of himself)
JADE: ( Afraid of upsetting Joe) “ Oh, well, I said I’d see my friend June on Saturday…” trails off…
JOE: …….. ( uses silence) Persecutor, waits for Jade to feel guilty…..
JADE: “ erm, Well, I guess I could cancel that maybe …” ( Victim, feels coerced)
JOE: “Don’t bother at all then, if it’s that much trouble, You’re just like Julie, it’s all about what you want, always put herself first, no time for me” (Persecutor)
JADE: “Oh, I’m so sorry, don’t say that, look, I’ll cancel June, it’s not important , I’ll cook you something really amazing, I’m not like that Julie, honestly” (Rescuer, Victim)
And so on….and before Jade knows it, control has trickled down into the relationship , she feels in a perfect hole of a situation because she’s now got Joe for dinner every day as she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings, or is afraid of being judged as uncaring.
How did it happen? These VPR type dynamics were subtly repeated in a number of conversations, quite early on in the relationship so without too much being said, Jade knows what she must do or not do to please Joe, and her behaviour is governed accordingly.
Before she knows it, Joe wants to move in and she feels as if things have completely got of of control, she can’t say no, and feels a bit ridiculous as she doesn’t know how to explain how this has happened again in her life. Does this sound familiar?
Another facet of how these VPR triangle of dynamics in relationships go is shown with Jean and June, Mum and daughter (who don’t live in the same house) as follows:
JEAN ( angrily) : “Oh, look at this lot of dishes now! I can’t cope with all this washing up, no one else bothers to help, I’m absolutely exhausted from it all. If only someone else would think about me for a change, but Oh no! No one ever does….” ( Victim)
JUNE: (Feels guilty) “Oh Mum , poor you, that’s awful you feel so exhausted, well look, Let me do it, I don’t want you to feel like that ” ( Rescuer)… does washing up…..
JEAN: “Well, I certainly wouldn’t have done it like that, look at it stacked up all wrong like that, if you want something doing right, do it yourself, that’s for sure, it seems round here!” (Persecutor )
JUNE: “ Oh, you’re an ungrateful One, I was only trying to help! Can’t do anything right for you! I won’t bother next time, all the thanks I get! ( Victim and Persecutor)
JEAN: “Well, I suppose you’ve got so much to do out with other people, you haven’t got time to do it properly, or worry about me at all. I’ve said so many times to you, you should let me do your ironing to save you having to bother, why don’t you just leave it here from now on……I don’t know, you’re hopeless, you are”. (Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer).
And so on…….
When we have experienced this pattern in early life or other toxic environments, we fall into these patterns really quickly, it is very difficult to have a clear sense of what belongs to us, and what doesn’t. Often we feel ‘guilt tripped’ into doing something, as we are used to taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings, behaviour, consequences etc.
We can get hyper vigilant to subtle, unspoken messages that occur together between us, and find they can be used to control us, or make us give up some freedoms of expression or behaviour to make the other person feel better. We can then feel that to be together seems like a nightmare from which we want to escape so that we can recover from the bullying. This sense of feeling alone or trapped, like we can’t reach out for help, or consider what WE want can be really challenging as we can’t seem to stop what is happening ourselves.
It’s said that If you don’t get in the Boxing Ring, you can’t get hit…. But how do we stop ourselves climbing up over the ropes? Even when we can see the pattern now, we find ourselves doing it again! We cannot seem to give it up or get so hooked up together into our roles and patterns between us that even if we know we’re being manipulated, we can’t seem to bring in change or respond in a different way that would offer us up more freedom and ease.
Why will I want to do this Transformation?
This Transformation can assist you to not be drawn up into repeating patterns where you can’t stand up for yourself or take back your sovereignty . It is a great resource for people who have experienced bullying, or for those who find it difficult to say No, or give space for themselves. It is a really helpful Transformation for people who find that they lose themselves easily in relationships, and struggle to find a sense of themselves or what they want within their close relationships.
It can also benefit people who feel that they have to control or dominate situations in order to feel safe or get their own way by supporting them to be more at ease with their vulnerability.
The VPR Transformation will also help people who cannot focus on their own needs, and sublimate them in order to support other people and their problems, without ever looking at their own stuff. Usually, we are a mix of all 3 parts, with a tendency to play two or more parts most habitually.
This Transformation can really assist you in managing your limits and boundaries, to enable you to ‘take a breath’ before you jump into saying yes. It can enable you to not repeat patterns where you are taken advantage of or can’t stick up for yourself.
The VPR Transformation can enable you to reach a considered decision to find out ‘What is it that I want out of this situation?’ and support you to make that desire crystal clear to yourself first. Then, when you know what you want for yourself, you can somehow more easily declare it to others. This Transformation allows you to find your own worth, value and importance, giving you chance to consider your value in the equation also, Before you immediately respond to another’s request.
The VPR Transformation can really help shift and cancel the hooks that compel you to React in a particular way, so that there feels less of an impetus to behave in a certain pattern. You can then recover your personal sense of freedom before you act or jump up into something that’d then feel like a hole you’d need to dig yourself out of afterwards!
The VPR Transformation enables you to feel as if you have more rights to be who you are, to consider what you feel, find what actions uphold you and bring you freedom and choices. It helps you feel more in charge of yourself, so you can act from a place more in autonomy, rather than people pleasing.
So, rather than being manipulated up into something you don’t want to do but believe that you should do to please the other person to avoid persecution, you can count on yourself to protect your own interests too. The VPR Transformation offers you a sense of being able to rescue yourself, not wait for others to do it. You can then spot patterns where you might feel victimised and not feel drawn to ‘sacrifice yourself’ in some way. You can also find that you have the self esteem to meet your own needs, rather than waiting on someone else to do it for you. It may be that when someone tries to hook you into rescuing them, you are significantly less compelled to do it.
This doesn’t mean that you don’t help anyone again, but, it allows you to consider how you respond before you agree to, or put up some limits and boundaries in, that mean that you add in your own needs as well as someone else’s, not instead of your needs. It will do this by changing you internally, so that you feel less obliged into following certain patterns, but internally believe you have choices in how you respond.
Your relationships can then be more of a collaboration together between you, rather than one person giving up their needs, or being made to feel ridiculous when they want to shift their behaviour patterns to something that more allows them to just be themselves. This in turn allows us to feel more vibrant within our relationships, rather than an ordeal from which you must recover every time you have an interaction between you.
The VPR Transformation can at each stage of the process, increase your self worth, so that you find more ability to behave towards yourself as if you count, have worth and value. You can find that even when others continue in the same patterns, you are much less reactive to it, as this Transformation offers you a different choice that comes from within you. New, more productive relationships are then available to you as you have changed your own vibrational level, therefore attracting others who are healthier.
How does the VPR Transformation Work?
Evolutionary Light work in the VPR triangle progressively helps you find your own part in the dynamics, especially in the ability to say no. It helps you to grow your self esteem where you are more able to meet your own needs, without shame or guilt, and the need to sort out other people’s personal issues seems less your responsibility.
This Transformation allows you to look at your own worth and value, and how to please yourself, rather than others.
If you find you’re used to patterns of controlling and coercing others it can support you to find more ability to trust in life, and meet your needs yourself without force, which increases your self esteem and puts you in touch with your own gentleness.
This release and freedom occurs by unhooking you and any karmic, or current ties you have to each part in the VPR dynamic. In addition, as your personal freedom increases, your boundaries change. Your self worth and value changes, and as it increases, you are less dependent on patterns that kept you stuck.
Our earlier character Jade, for example, might not feel the need to Rescue Joe in the same way. She might offer to cook ONE meal, or, she might think that the relationship looks like too much hassle as she already feels right now as if her boundary isn’t heard, and chooses someone else because she feels intrinsically as if she is worth it.
June might for example suggest her Mum gets a cleaner, or buys a dishwasher, and is able to say that without feeling as if she has to fix all Jean’s problems, or that she is responsible for her wellbeing. She chooses not to get drawn by the hook of having ironing done by Jean, as she knows the price emotionally she’d have to pay for it.
In this VPR pattern we tend to play one part more dominantly than the others, but we do play all of them. The VPR Transformation can disengage you from each part of this pattern, by unhooking you emotionally, karmically and often situationally from each part. Each part takes approximately 6 weeks to unfold. You can often find that you have more choice in how you respond to people, and that situations that you couldn’t have avoided before no longer seem magnetic to you. There is much more freedom to be yourself.
The VPR Transformation via Evolutionary Light (please read How Does Evolutionary Light work) removes the hooks in you, karmically, emotionally and situationally that bring your own part in these dynamics to relationships.
As the three-part VPR Transformation progresses, you can find that you much more easily spot when old patterns are occurring , and your ‘draw’ towards repeating your part is significantly reduced. This happens as your self worth increases, and the need to repeat old patterns falls away, as you process your feelings.
This dynamic is so common in relationships, we don’t often know how we keep getting sucked in to it.
As a lot of our worth as people can rest on how we connect with others, and our sense of shame or guilt when we don’t do what they want can trigger any abandonment wounding, so it can be hard to just let go. If we could have got out of this pattern by ourselves we probably would have, but it’s not that easy, especially if you have contracts to victimisation in your karmic patterning.
If we have experienced difficult family dynamics in our early lives by we can find that this pattern is an unconscious way of us repeating the situation. A large part of this VPR Transformation is about deleting patterns that keep us victimised, or from Rescuing other people when they have problems. Persecuting people when they offer to help us is also common when we don’t want to feel our own vulnerability. The VPR Transformation can help stop the automatic response as you find that your own self value enables you to create boundaries that protect you. You can feel more able to disengage from people who don’t honour your boundaries and more able to give people back their ‘stuff’.
The VPR Transformation can help us feel as if we have been heard, and it resources us enough to be able to make new choices, as the Light deletes our contracts with the past ways of behaving, and helps us feel from within that we don’t have to fix others, be bullied by them or blame them if they don’t fulfil our needs. Gradually, we are supported to act as if we, not others, are responsible for our thoughts and actions, and that we have a choice in how we respond to others.
The VPR Transformation can help free up relationships to find more choice in behaviour or give us space within them for ourselves as well as the other’s needs. We can then find more pleasure in our relationships when we are not bound by duty or coercion. If we feel that we always have to be in control or experience frequent times when we are angry or manipulative to others, the Transformation enables us to be more open to relating in a way that is more open and honest.
It is common to find when doing the VPR Transformation that relational harmony is a bit more in your reach, that you’re not feeling so guilty when you lovingly uphold yourself, or you don’t have to over assert yourself to frighten others into behaving. You can be more able to declare your needs in a way that allows you to Be Yourself.
Quite often, Light work can give you the space to consider what is is that supports you, that gives you more belief that your needs count, or allows you the ability to find balance and add in what helps YOU within the situation.
We can’t change other people or magically cancel their behaviour, but we can change ourselves, or how we react. Evolutionary Light work shines a gold and vibrant torch on the dynamics that keep us stuck, or make us feel alone, bringing us help to recover and do what we can’t find the ability to do by just willpower alone.
The VPR Transformation can unhook us so that we can find a personal freedom with issues that count to us in our lives. We can start to relate to people in a way that is less ‘Them Vs Us’ and brings the change between us which can be renegotiated to ‘Them and Us’ . This happens as we feel more able to consider and uphold our personal corner without coercion, shame or guilt.
This Transformation is a 4 month one, with each part taking 6 weeks approximately to unfold. Sometimes this Transformation is done following the Trauma Transformations, or it can be done on its own.
What do others say about the VPR Transformation?
One of my clients who has done this Transformation has noticed a significant difference in her day to day external circumstances . One main change was between the way she related to her Mum. Before the Transformation there was a lot of blame between them. Following doing the first part of the VPR Transformation , The victim part, she noticed there was much more forgiveness between her and her Mum about the past.
When she did the second Persecutor part, to her surprise she had a very unexpected and complete swivel of circumstances in a rapprochement with an estranged sibling she hadn’t seen for years. She seemed to find a lot more personal space within this previously embittered relationship following this piece of the Transformation, as if she could relate more flexibly with both the sibling and her Mum.
When she completed part 3 of the VPR Transformation , the Rescuer part, she said she felt able to go for a job she’d previously considered ‘way out of her league’ before. Interestingly, she decided not to take the job because of the commuting to it taking too much time out of her day but importantly she’d considered her needs as valid, and her self esteem had gone up significantly as she was able to discern what suited her, not others.
Another man who did this Transformation was able to leave a very bullying work situation and find a much more vibrant and relaxed work environment elsewhere.
He told me he felt as if he had finally ‘got his b*****s back’! and had removed himself from a very soul destroying situation.
What are the benefits of doing the VPR Transformation?
This Transformation doesn’t fix other people, or like some miracle change them from being an abusive person into some golden, vibrant being, but it will help you access your personal power more easily, discovering strengths in yourself which free you from having to put up with bad behaviour. It will also resource you more emotionally, so that your payoff can come from a healthier set of behaviours rather than putting up with difficult people to just keep the peace at any cost.
You are likely to find in future that relationships that have a high degree of this VPR patterning tend to feel less of a hook to you, or that it is much easier for you to hold up your own individual stance, and to find your personal power if you do come across them.
This can feel like a bit of a miracle at times, to be able to reach compromise so that you don’t find yourself having to backtrack and dig yourself up out of an emotional hole that you wished you’d not committed to.
These different behaviours occur as you recover enough of yourself to begin to incorporate the gradual trickling shifts of self worth now brought up in you.
You then feel the right to have sovereignty over your life choices. This development helps you feel safe with yourself, as you can count on yourself not to betray yourself or give your power away.
Your own desires begin to feel more crystal clear to you; you can be less controlled by others’ expectations and now set your own limits, offering more freedom within relationships which in the past seemed unassailably cancelled out by the other person’s agenda.
How do I book this Transformation?
So this Transformation is divided up into 3 parts, whereby each part takes 6 weeks each to complete. This is approximately a 4 month total. As usual, with all Evolutionary Light work, There is a time when the Light flows, and then, there is an unfolding period (see page on Evolutionary Light to give you more information on how the process of Light Work operates)
Each part concentrates particularly on these three aspects of relating, we start with the Victim part, which addresses how you may have experienced Victimisation in your life, your part in this pattern and removing any hooks both now and in your Karmic past to this aspect. We look at removing emotional bondage to those situations where you experience this pattern now.
We then do the same with the Persecutor part, which looks at how this might operate in your life and interactions now and in other lifetimes. We also look at issues of controlling patterns we have that we want to release.
Finally, we look at the Rescuer part, which often has a hidden payoff, so we remove these hooks and automatic responses to this, and this supports you to meet your needs more directly, rather than via secondary gains, or needing to give something up to get something. With each of these sessions, you start to see yourself much more clearly, and from within have a clearer idea of what works in your life and what you then wish to change. Your natural sense of self worth and esteem rises, which can then encourage you to make choices which uphold you.
You can see me either Face to Face, or very popularly, sessions can be offered via Skype, Messenger or FaceTime. You do not have to see me face to face for your Evolutionary Light Healing to work (see how Evolutionary Light works).
We have a consultation prior to each part, with a telephone or email check in halfway through each part of the Transformation. The Light is activated at a convenient time for you, and then an unfolding period over 6 weeks occurs. (see how Evolutionary Light works).
It can be helpful to keep a journal of changes that occur throughout the Transformation. We then book the next session to run sequentially, with a consultation, activation, check in and unfolding time. (Please see also Self care during Transformation to see how best to also support yourself additionally during this process of changes).
The VPR Transformation can be purchased on the Buy now section of the website, or alternatively paid via Bank Transfer. All sessions are purchased prior to commencement, the total payable is charged on the website, but if that might feel difficult to pay all in one go it is possible to discuss with me options of how this can be purchased Session by session if in total the cost would be prohibitive. This is considered on a case by case, or individual basis.
What sorts of changes might I notice in me after the VPR Transformation?
One of my clients told me that:
‘Bullies seemed to make a beeline for me, it was like I was a magnet for controlling people’. After doing the Transformation, she said that she could now ‘spot them a mile off and that she wasn’t having it, thank you very much!’ I also noticed that in the past she’d booked her appointments if it suited others not her, and very quickly in the process she was able to make plans around when was right for her, as if she and her needs now counted. This change particularly made itself felt in her friendship groups and family, and she told me she feels much happier subsequently in them than before, as if she has a voice now. These little gestures all seemed to denote a greater self worth, where she considered herself within relational dynamics as also having value.
A married man who’d completed the Transformation said that his relationship with his wife felt much more equal, and that his wife told him she was no longer anxious about challenging him, as he was less of a ‘control freak’ (her words!)
Evolutionary Light work is subtle but very powerful. We begin to notice changes in how we feel about ourselves, how we might allow others to treat us, and have a clearer idea of what does or doesn’t belong to us to sort out.
My own experience with it is that it has brought abiding and lasting changes to me as I am less bound by what doesn’t serve me. It isn’t a case of ‘one day you’re magically fixed’ but, a progressive process that allows who you really are to be seen in the world, changing how you show up for yourself within it.
Evolutionary Light work for me has fixed beliefs or behaviour in a more durable way than any other healing modality I’ve tried. This isn’t to say that other Healing practices are not helpful, but my my own experience is that Evolutionary Light Healing has enabled a more permanent solution to some previously entrenched problems.
As the Transformation progresses and shifts unfolds we can find we are aware of dynamics that don’t work for us any longer, and we are then supported to make the changes that uphold us. It is quite common to suddenly notice that ‘in the past I would automatically have done ‘X type behaviour’ but I just realised that my thoughts were different, my worth seems different, I feel that I have more freedom of choice in response’
This is due to the changes being very organic, within you. More avenues seem possible, there are internally more available options, less blocks in you being able to do what is in your best interests, and less fear of upsetting others if you follow what’s right for you.
Imagine how this very powerful VPR Transformation can help free you up to make the changes in your life you want to see. What are the personal hopes and goals that might count to you? Find your personal Freedom in life with the VPR Transformation!
You can book this Transformation and any other by clicking on the ‘Buy Now’ button below.